Comment Wall

 

Image: Members of the Dyatlov Group CNN

My Storybook Project, There Were Ten... The Dyatlov Pass Incident, Can be found here!

I hope you all enjoy it, and I appreciate any feedback you can give!

Comments

  1. Hi, Natalie. That was a great introduction! It really set the tone for the spooky mystery I am about to see unfold. I think you did a great job at painting a picture of the desolate landscape the group trekked through. The remains of their camps were vivid as well. I can only imagine what you'll do with more words and a full story.

    You used very long sentences in your introduction. It was a bit fatiguing. Vivid descriptions and lots of information can be a great thing, but it doesn't need to all be in just a few sentences. Breaking it up makes it easier to read. Also, this is a spooky story. You can leave some stuff to the imagination if need be.

    Also, I wonder if every character's full name and age are necessary. They're all early 20s. Just saying that would tighten up your introduction and make it flow a bit better. You could specify that Semyon is older if needed. Finally, you change your tense at the very end. The entire introduction is in past tense except for "Who will survive?" It's a bit confusing.

    Overall, I'm hooked. You introduced an interesting story and painted great, vivid pictures. I genuinely want to know what happened to these guys. Am I better off not knowing? I think the introduction could just use a bit of tightening up. Easy to read stories are more fun to read.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Caleb!
      Thanks for the feedback! To answer some of your questions, I used the characters full names and ages because they're real people. My storybook is based off an actual cold case from the 50's that never got solved! and the whole past tense vs. present tense is because I wanted to explain to the reader the basis of the story (the real things that actually happened) before I jumped in. My storybook will be a Twine story. This means it'll be interactive and the reader will get to choose which direction each character will get to go. So that's why I said "Who will survive".

      Thanks!(:

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  2. I love the home screen picture! This picture really does a good job of setting the tone of the storybook! The introduction was very well done and it was easy to read (other than the complicated names) lol. One thing I would like to know is why are they going on this trip? Is it for fun? Are these kids just adrenaline junkies? Is it a competition? You did mention a ski trip but why in such a dangerous place? Looking at your response above I see that you based this off of a true story, but there is some fun things you could add to it by giving some background information about the characters and make them seem like people rather than just names. I love this story idea and I know you are going to do some really cool stuff with it! I think if you give the characters some back story it would really help the reader attach to them more. There is plenty of time for you to do this and numerous ways you could do it in later stories and not have to focus on packing all of that information into the introduction. Just an idea! Love the intro and cannot wait to read the rest of it!

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  3. Hi there Natalie!
    Wow.. I am so excited about your project. I read your introduction mixed with your somewhat eerie image in the background and I had goosebumps... I have never heard of this incident, but it sounds like once I read about it I will never forget about it. I think that it would be interesting to maybe add a little note at some point about how you discovered this story to write about. Why did you chose this story? Are you a hiker and it has meaning or a story that scared you once and you never forgot about it? I think that would be a fun and interesting little note. I read that you are going to make it a bit interactive. I am intrigued to see how you do that and think that that is a very creative route to take this story. It almost gives me the same vibes as that video game 'Until Dawn'. Overall, I am super excited to see where you take this!

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  4. Hi Natalie! First of all, I really loved the picture for the story and the way your google site layout is set up. I need to learn to do something like this for my story! I love mystery stories and after reading that yours is a mystery, I got so excited! After reading the introduction, I am just wanting to find out more! I was reading the other comments on your page and I have to agree, all of the names and ages are a little long and confusing to read. I saw your explanation of why you added their names and now I understand why you wanted to add all of them. Maybe adding their names and ages in the story rather than the introduction would be better? Overall, I am excited to read your story and I know it is going to be a great one!

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  5. Hi Natalie! I think that I have read about this story and what happened so I won't go and spoil it for anyone who doesn't know but you did a great job with the suspense and making it seem like I want to come back to read and learn more about it. One of the other things that I like a lot about your website is that it does a great job of subliminally making it feel as if you are alone in the snow and isolated from anyone else. Not everyone may feel the way that I do but I thought that it was very interesting. I know I said I wouldn't spoil anything so you might have a plan for using this later or I might be thinking of a different story but didn't these students despite being in the cold weren't most of them like naked or nearly naked when they were found despite it being freezing cold. I think you did an excellent job and I am excited to read more.

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  6. Hi Natalie,

    Whoa, this is such a cool looking storybook. The first page looks gorgeous yet creepy. It really sets the tone of the story. I also liked the text on the title, "There WERE ten", it's a fun little hint. My only comment for the layout would be to make the comment wall link font a little bit bigger. I didn't see it at first, so I thought you forgot it.
    As for the intro, I didn't mind the names or ages being there. I did find it a little bit hard to read because they were all in a row. I wonder if you could make it like a bulleted list or something? That might make it a easier to read and it might make the information more impactful. What if you added more about what exactly your story is going to be? You did a great background about the event, but what will your story be about? Will we follow the adventures of the missing people? Will we find out what happened to them? Or, will someone try to solve the mystery? It's a little vague. I'm excited to see what you'll come up with!

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  7. Hi Natalie,
    I really love the idea for your story! I think it is going to be an awesome project. To start off your page is super cool, the images really get the readers thoughts going. I loved your introduction it took me to the mountains of Russia. I think this storybook will not only be spooky, but super intense. It will keep me and others coming back for more each week. Awesome project look forward to seeing the end!

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  8. Hi Natalie!
    I am so excited about your project! The Dyatlov Pass incident is one of those awesome wild and weird unsolved things that kind of stick with you if you've heard about them. And you've used a twine story to tell us your version of what happened to those that died, which I love.

    I don't really have any good suggestions for you. I don't mind the list of names either because when you base a story on real people, you ideally want to use their names. Another commenter suggested a bulleted list for the names. That might be something to consider if it doesn't mess with how you want your introduction to look. I am not sure what all photos exist of the original group. Still, if there are photos of the individuals, that could be something to use (I feel like I saw them somewhere at some point?). In that case, you could maybe consider a slideshow or image carousel to list everyone? That may also make your intro look different than you want!

    Sorry, I'm just kind of tossing ideas around now. I can't wait to see where you go with this in the coming weeks!

    -Eli

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